Your Weekend Horoscopes, March 31 st-April 2nd: Don’t Act A Fool This April Fool’s Day

Some of you need to chill the fuck out, some of you need to sit the fucking down, and some of you need to turn the fuck up. Find out what the stars have in store in our Betches weekend horoscopes.


This is a week of new beginnings for you, Aries. As it is likely that your New Years resolution died out about four days into January, use the beginning of a new month( and hopefully, fucking springtime) on Saturday to start over. April is entirely the new January. Get back on that fitness grind now that the idea of wearing a swimsuit ever again in their own lives actual seems feasible. Dedicate yourself to school or work and actually, idk. try? Or maybe its time to take a chance on love and put yourself back out in the dating scene. Whatever you decide, make sure you go for 100%. Betches may be lazy, but were not flakes.


Youve had a good run, Taurus. Weeks of productivity. Weekends of partying. Mornings when you dont think youre on the verge of death. Honestly, its been infuriating to watch you succeed so effortlessly. However, the new month and a new moon are here to stop you in your tracks. Idk how to tell you this but this weekend is going to fling you into a little bit of a rut. Nothing life or death, but things will just seem to go wrong at every turn. Our advice? Avoid this at all costs by not leaving the convenience of your bed unless you absolutely have to. Come Monday the stars may be less shitty, but best to play it safe until then.


Youve been through a little bit of a rough patch lately, Gemini. It was shitty, as Im sure you remember only too well, but you made it through it because your friends were there to pick you up when you were down and pour wine into your mouth when it was open. Well, the time has come for you to return the favor and break out that shoulder for someone else to weep on. Comforting people is never fun or easy, but right now its non-negotiable. Go buy a few bottles, a bathtub of ice cream or two, and wait for the bellow. Believe us, its coming.


The Cancer motto this weekend: new month, new look. Let the beginning of April and potential( but unlikely) return of the sun bring out a brighter, shinier, you. If theres been some big transformation youve been considering but are too scared to try, this is the weekend to do it. Chop your hair off. Dye it. Overhaul your wardrobe. The sky is the limit! Its time to come out of your wintertime cave stronger, fiercer, and better looking than you were when you climbed into it. Spring is here. Time to act like it.


I know what youre thinking, Leo, and the answer is a resounding fuck no. This weekend, for whatever reason, youre going to be tempted to hit up an ex. Perhaps theyre in township, or you ensure an ill-timed Snapchat, or youre just lonely. I dont know, but more importantly, I dont care. This is a time for new starts , not shitty backsliding after one too many Long Islands. You may think youre stronger than that, but Im here to tell you youre not. Give your telephone to someone you trust, stay away from social media at all costs, and surround yourself with fun people that will confuse you from yourself. We have faith, Leo. Dont let us down.


Yikes, Virgo. Im not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that its going to be shitty. Honestly, Im sorry that the universe so clearly has it out for you. It appears to have been the world is end, but this is where your friends come in with ample sums of alcohol to assure you that its not. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.


This weekend is a time of reflection, Libra. There have been a lot of moving proportions in their own lives as of late, and now is the time to sit down and consider how you feel about them all. Maybe its period for a little springtime cleaning, in every sense of the word. Clothes you dont require? Toss them. Friends you dont require? Toss them. Guys you dont require? Toss them( but save their numbers for when youre drunk. New month, new you. Dont let any of that shitty wintertime luggage follow you into springtime. Let this meme be your inspiration 😛 TAGEND


A few terms of advice, Scorpio: despite what you seem to think at times your words and actions do, in fact, affect other people. Crazy, right? Its almost like you arent the only person in the entire world. Ill let that sink in before we continue.

While we are definitely champs of the you do you mentality, sometimes you need to take a step back and remember that there are other people in their own lives. People with thoughts andwait for itfeelings. Against their better nature, they care about you and the shit that you do. So maybe, just maybe, its time to return the favor, yeah?

TL; DR: Stop being a self-centered shithead and think about your friends and family before you do stupid shit. Way harsh Tai, but we know you can take it.


I guess my favorite part about Sagittarians is their undying optimism when it comes to other people. You, without fail, will go out on a limb for anyone and everyone, time and time again , no matter the consequences. Its awe-inspiring, in the way that its hard to not watch when a pack of lions just wrecks a newborn gazelle on. In this metaphor, Sagittarius, you are the gazelle. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you hurl yourself on the line for. I know its going to be hard, but you will come out the other end with your mental and physical health intact. Wild, right?


The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Capricorn. Something about the weather, the stars, the people will be taking you on a long trip-up down memory lane. For better or for worse is altogether up to you. If skeletons start to resurface, there is no disgrace in avoiding that shit like the plague. But if you happen to have a positive memory or two, try revisiting that and see what happens. Reach out to old friends just to check in. Youll be surprised by how much you still like people that knew you when you were 18. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped construct you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess theres merely one route to find out.


My dude. Aquarius. This past week has been a journey of self-discovery for you, and it is absolutely wild how different of a person you are compared to just a week ago. We, for one, are here for it. This weekend, move forward with this new mindset and implement it in every aspect of their own lives. After months of being put on the back burner, your mental health will truly thank you for it. Let your new self shine and dont let anyone stifle it. In fact, those that try are not worth your time in this new epoch. Cut them loose and let them know why.


Well, well, well, Pisces. I dislike to say I told you so, except just kidding. I fucking love it. Youve spent the last few weeks working yourself down to the bone, and youre depleted in every sense of the word. This weekend, please just chill the fuck out. Seriously. Turn off your telephone. Lock your doorways. Close the blinds. I promise the FOMO you may suffer will pale in comparison to the stroke youre bound to suffer any day now. The world calls for 48 straight hours of unadulterated relaxation. Please, dont ignore it.

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