Being Her Bitch
Whether you’ve experienced it yourself or have never had the pleasure of is available on someone’s bridal party, you soon come to realize that “bridesmaid” is a fancy synonym for “slave labor”. There is no other point in your life( unless someone is like, dying or something) when you will be expected to do so much for person or persons without pay. Your duties may not kick in until a few weeks before the bridal, but once they start, there is no end to them. Pick up Champagne, get fitted for a dress, buy bachelorette crowns, conceal the vibrator, decorate for the bridal shower, put on pants, etc. It’s fucking exhausting.
Tips: Only accept duties that also benefit you. For instance, take charge of planning the bachelorette party so you decide what activities you do, where you feed, etc. Offer to pick up Champagne if you need to stock up on it yourself. Indicate a venue for the bridal rain because you know the bartender who will sneak you shots. You’ll seem super supportive while still keeping yourself from being inconvenienced.
Spending Money You Don’t Have
Being a bridesmaid comes with a heavy price. Who would have guessed I would have expended the better part of my
dad’s checkbook life savings on someone else’s wedding? It’s absolutely ridiculous and there isn’t any style around it. You HAVE to buy the dress, you HAVE to go to the bachelorette party, you( don’t) HAVE to buy her some bullshit wedding present. It’s pretty easy to rack up $1,000 before the wedding.
Hopefully you don’t have some asshole bride who, after stimulating you fork over your hard-earned cash( which would have been reserved for much more important things i.e. weed and/ or brunch ), tells you that you can pay to have your makeup and hair done the next day. Are you fucking kidding me? I give you my money( and more importantly, my day that could be expend watching Netflix in bed) and you’re asking me to PAY to get my makeup done? Of course you’re given the option to do it yourself, but that would be like 2013 Miley Cyrus standing at the altar in the midst of present-day Kardashians. I feel like the least a bride can do is pay for these things in exchange for all the bridesmaids-turned-indentured-servants do for her. And shellac that shit while you’re at it, bitch.
Tips : Be thrifty and cut corners where you can. For instance, if your dress doesn’t fit perfectly, you don’t HAVE to get it altered. So what if it’s a foot longer than anyone else’s or you nips aren’t precisely covered? You’re there, you’re sober( maybe) and you’re in the dress…what more could she want?
Putting Up With Bridezilla
It is only a matter of time before the bride-to-be runs bat shit. All this psychotic behaviour is probably stemming from the thought that she will only be dealing with one penis for the rest of her life and the only thing she can look forward to in the next 50 years is the pain of childbirth and routine sexual encounters with CNN playing in the background. You can’t blame her for losing it with that kind of future ahead of her. But still, there isn’t any reason for her to be setting fire to your belongings or pulling out your extensions all while accusing you of “ruining her big day.”
Tips : This one is tough. Normally, avoiding her wholly would mitigate your chances of a crazy encounter, but then she might accuse you of being “uninvolved” or “disinterested” which can lead to a whole other issue. My advice? Alcohol.
So, when your bestie blindsides you with a bottle of wine or some other cutesy bullshit bangle asking you to be her bridesmaid, keep these things in mind. I entail, there are some benefits: an open bar at the wedding( if she’s not a cheap asshole ), a decide of groomsmen that get most attractive with each drinking, and the possibility of a perfect new profile pic. And who knows, you might even catch the fucking bouquet.
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