When The Only Toxic Person In Their own lives Is You

I understand what it feels like to be completely annihilated by love; I have assured how selfishness, jealousy and insecurity can turn my closest friends into my greatest foes. I still remember crumbling to the floor after discovering that Id lost the man I loved, and my home- at the hands of my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding. I havent really recovered much since. I do not trust a soul.

This is where my problem lies: Ive virtually glorified that day, reflecting on it “as if its” a dreaming, due to my incredulity and shock. Have you ever had a traumatically emotional event happen, only internalize it in the most unnatural route? Its more than forgiving these assholes Im talking about penalise yourself daily, and allowing their actions to dictate your behaviour and self-worth.

Here are THREEtoxic attributes that Ive recognized within myself, and perhaps Im not alone 😛 TAGEND

1. Depression and anxiety .

This is a devoted, however its changed from my typical I-hate-my-twenties-somebody-save-me woes that I commonly groan about. Its shown socially, which I am so not used to. An extrovert, Aries, ENFP- however you want to categorize me, avoiding social events has never been my means to cope. Quite the opposite, actually. However, I knew something was off in my brain when I began going home and just staying in my room. That isnt normal. I literally lost all desire to construct new acquaintances or even worse- meet new men. Whats the point? Severely, this has been my mantra, and Im scared to death of it.

2. Repeating the same mistakes .

How many exes can I call in one night after heavy drinking? A lot, apparently. This goes with toxic friends who I cut out for some pretty legit reasoning. I find that I am subconsciously living in the past, and extol it- people included. I let the roots of my ache back into my life, willingly, and exclaim myself to sleep when they disillusion me. Is it guilt that eats me? Do I feel that I am inherently bad, hence I need to win their kudoes and acceptance to overcome what has happened? This is where I am toxic to myself, as I continuously defined myself up for failure.

3. Not letting myself to feeling, or heal .

I am in the midst of this process. I have abused my prescription meds to stay afloat, and have relied heavily on wine to cope during the quiet wintertime nights. When I take a break, I sleep for two days straight-out, and cut off my family and friends. The silence of being alone is all I can bear. I run from my impressions, and keep myself busy with run and obligations, rather than sitting and allowing myself to simply be. I am afraid of what will follow, and even worse- I am petrified that I may not make it back in one piece. I cannot grieve my losses emotionally, because I simply do not trust myself to feel them. I am constantly chasing the daylight while the cloud of darkness grows stronger and stronger above my head. Eventually, this cloud will absorb me, and I need to be prepared for it. This is where I am now, and I am wondering if anyone else feelings the same way?

Im so incredibly tired of blaming these hurtful people for my unhappiness and allowing them any sort of relevance. I have finally realized that its not always the toxic people in our lives that ruin us, its ourselves. Im ultimately ready to move on and hold myself accountable- are you?

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