Most of the fairy tale we now know started out as tales Germans told each other in the 17 th and 18 th centuries, and we can learn a lot about how things were back then by reading them.
One big thing they teach us, for example, is German people then were huge creepings who loved to frighten their children.
Seriously, theoriginal versions of classicfairy tales sound like they were written byJack The Ripper while high on mushrooms.
Reading these fairy tales and deciding, “Hey, you know what? This would totally make a great Disney movie, ” is like reading about a serial killer who turns his victims into human marionettes anddeciding to make a new line of Barbies based on that.
I don’t want to give too much away before I get started, but let me just say OVER HALFof these involve cannibalism.
More appropriate title : “Cinderella and Her Gang Of Flying MurderPokmon”
Original plot : In the Friend Grimm version of this classic childhood staple, there is a lot less musical theaterand A LOTmore blood and terror and bird violence.
In their version, Cinderella’s stepsisters mutilate their feet in a desperate attempt to fit into the heteronormative glass slipper: One of them straight up chops her toes off, the other slicesoff her heel.
And does thegore stop there? I’m glad you asked. No, it does not stop there.
Remember how in the Disney version, Cinderella gets a bunch of chill birds to help her make a dress? Well, they’re in the original version too — except this time, instead of having them be used to help with her going-out attire, she gets them to pluck out her step sisters’ eyeballs.
Yeah, that’s how this CHILDREN’S STORYends.BIRD BLINDING.
Moral of the story : If someone can control birds, don’t f* cking build them do chores.
The Three Little Pigs
More appropriate title : “How Everyone I know Got Killed”
Original Plot : The one main difference between the story we all know and the original version is that the wolf eats the two animals who built those sh* tty homes. The third swine is left to live alone in his brick fortress with only the memories of his fallencompanions to maintain him company.
Moral of the tale : If you don’t have opposable thumbs, don’t build your own house.
More appropriate title : “How Not To Teach Children About Consent”
Original plot : In the early version of this story, Sleeping Beauty goes into a deathlike sleep after get a splinter in her thumb. Then some sh* tty king determines her and rapes her.
Then he leaves to go be king somewhere and she devotes birth to histwins, while still asleep. One of the twins sucks on her finger and the splinter comes out and she’s like “Oh, I have kids now. Great.”
Later, the king coming through and they fall in love( because a f* cking guy wrote this ). This pisses off his sh* tty queen, who tries to feed the king the twins and burn sleeping beauty alive — but the monarch finds out about that and burns the queen alive instead.
Then everyone lives happily ever after.
Moral of the story : Violence.
More appropriate title : “Love Hurts( A Lot) ”
Original Plot : OK, so remember how in order to turn the frog into a prince, the dame in the fairy tale has to kiss it( which is like a metaphor for taking a leap of faith or something )? Well, originally the rules were a little different. In earlier versions, instead of kissing it, she has to either smash it to demise against a wallor, you know, very romantically cut its head off.
Moral of the story : If you want to findthe man of your dreams, torture and kill all animals.
Little Red Riding Hood
More appropriate title : “Sex is Death”
Original Plot : As if “Little Red Riding Hood” needed to get any weirder, in the earlier versions, there are a few key differences.
First of all, when Little Red Riding Hood arrives at her grandmother’s house, the wolf has already murdered the grandmother and serves her sliced-up corpse to LRRH for a delightful snack washed down with a bottle of wine laced with g-ma blood.
Oh, and in these versions she strips naked and burns her clothes before she getsmauled to demise. The end.
Moral of the tale : The only style to be less subtle with this moral is if, instead of telling them a tale, people justtattooed all little kids’ foreheads with the words “DON’T F* CK.” That, or induced them read “Twilight, ” which has basically the same premise.
Hansel and Gretel
More appropriate title : “Hungry Orphans Get F* cked Over Again”
Original Plot : A tale about two children who find a house made of candy with a witch who wants to fattened them up( Kobe beef style) before cannibalizing them — which ends with them pushing her into her own oven — can’t truly get any crazier or more grizzly. But, some historical context can helpout.
Historians suppose the tale was written as a response to the famine in Europe during the course of its 14 th century, when lots of parents abandoned their children and left them to starve to death.
This sheds a particularly depressing light onthe whole“House Made Of Candy” and “Trail of Bread Crumbs” thing.
Yeah, you can go ahead and start screaming now.
Moral of the Story : Don’t abandon your kids, Europe.
Moreappropriate title : “Men Are Weird Sometimes”
Original plot : In the Brothers Grimm version of this weirdo narrative, a miller makes a deal with the king, saying his daughter can weave straw into gold. The king is then like, “Sure, I’ll take that bargain. But if she can’t do it, I get to kill her.”
To which the miller is like, “Word, that seems reasonable.”
Anyway, the miller’s daughter then makes a deal of her own with an pixie namedRumpelstiltskin, who will turn the straw into gold for her if she dedicates him her firstborn child.
But whenshe eventually devotes birth to the child and Rumpy shows up to take it, she’s like “Noyou can’t have my kid, you f* cking creep.”
So Rumpysays fine he’lllet her keep herchild( cause, you know, he’s a nice guy) if she can justguess his name.
When she guessesitcorrectly, Rumpelstiltskin gets so mad that he stomps his foot straight through the ground and, when he tries to pull it out, he rends himself in half.
Moral of the tale : Anger management.
More Appropriate title : “Cosmetic Cannibalism”
Original plot : In the Brothers Grimm iteration of the narrative, the queen doesn’t simply try to kill Snow White — no, that’d be style too boring for 18 th century German people. Instead, she enlists a huntsman to CUT OUT SNOW WHITE’S LIVER AND HEART SO SHE CAN EAT THEM.
Apparentlyeating someone’s organs is really good for getting rid of upper arm fat.
And the madnes doesn’t aim there.
Apart from the fact that at one point a prince tries to CARRY AWAYa comatoseSnow White( Severely, what the f* ck is wrong with 18 th century German people ?), the narrative ends with her waking up, wedding the prince who was going to rape her( second hour this happened in one of these BTW ), and then constructing the queen( who politely shows up at the bridal) put on a pair of burning hot iron shoes and DANCE HERSELF TO DEATH.
OK, rivalry over, that is officially the most metal way to die.
Moral of the story : Girls love it when guys want to kidnap them?