The 12 things that restaurants must stop “doin ” 2016

Get rid of the tiny tables and put in some lightings so I can read the menu. Please

My dentist tells me that I grind my teeth at night. He says this is a the worst thing and needs to be remedied. Apparently the problem is tension, brings with it by stress. Clearly I require less stress in my life. To make this occur I have decided to use this column to address all the things about eateries that I truly hate; the inhumanities I hope to see disappear in 2016. These things may sound minor, but together they amount to a hurricane of tooth-blunting fury. My they are able to chew meat properly depends upon all of it being dealt with.

Please stop taking my order without a notebook . I dont know you. I dont know whether you are Francesco the Famous Memory Man, or were off your tits last night on crystal meth and can now barely recall your own name. I dont trust you to remember what I ordered. Write it down.

All eateries must install big enough tables to accommodate their small-plate-sharing menus . The small plates menu was your idea , not mine. Most tables cant manage more than four dishes, and you want us to order seven.

And while were at it, please stop send dishes out when theyre ready . I am tired of not being able to remember if everything I ordered has been delivered. Im with the potatoes arriving before the steak, and the steak arriving before the salad. Its easier for the kitchen. Its not convenient for me. Stop it.

Stop it with gran ola too . Apart from at breakfast. Granola at breakfast is OK, but if I ever see it on a main course again, I shall open my mouth and phase at my ground down molars. Its ugly in there. Forget the jaws of hell. These are the jaw of Rayner. Also, please sort out the lighting . I am old. I dislike “ve had to” power up the torch on my phone to read the menu.

What is it with taking the bread plate away at the end of the starters ? No restaurateur has ever explained to me why that happens, but still you do it. And while Im on bread: unsalted butter ? I entail, genuinely ? I dont want a mouthful of flavourless grease with my bread. You dont want people in your eatery who dislike salted butter. They have feeble, over-sensitive palates. They will hate your food. And if they dont, I will. Oh, and set salt and pepper on the table . Who do you think you are? Nico bloody Ladenis? Please stop putting the pages of wine lists inside plastic sleeves . Its cheap and feels nasty. How much does it cost to reprint them? And list bottles in cost order from cheapest upwards . I love learning about the wines of the world, but not when Im knackered and only want a sodding drinking. I dont like “ve had to” hunt for something in my budget. And if I tell you Ill fill the wine glass myself I entail it . Tell your colleagues so I dont have to keep recurring myself. Dont you dare move my bottle to a table at the far end of the room. Its mine. I paid for it. Ill do with it as I like. And eventually, dont you ever, ever, ever again give the bill to the only person on the table who happens to possess testicles . You have no idea whos paying for dinner. Set the bill in the middle of that table and walk away.

There. Im done. And you know what? My teeth feel better already.

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