Southern Charm Recap: Even Rich White People Can Be Ratchet AF

Now that basically all the good presents have ended, and I forgot to tune into the first reunion special, its about day we do another recap. Enter :. Im not exactly a Southern betch, but I lived in Atlanta for like 6 years, so I feel like that countings, and if they dont tell bless your heart a minimum of 6 periods this episode, I wont be watching a second episode. Please note, I have never watched this depict before, but that didnt stop me with, either. Damn, I wish I had a mint julep for this. Or some moonshine.

Okay we start at some giant household dinner and already Im feeling like I missed a lot. A guy who appears to be the dad figure gives a toast and immediately starts taking shootings at some dude for fucking all the girls in Charleston. He starts calling someone named Cameron self-righteous and someone named Landon catty, who subsequently denies ever shit-talking Papa Bear up there. I already dont know you but Im not buying it, Landon. Wow, what a grace. Lets eat. Thank you Lord. Uh oh, people are leaving, curse words are flying, and I feel about as lost as a non-white person at a Trump rally. This recap is looking like a bust.

Oh wait, that was a flashback. Phew, Im good. I insure what youre trying to do, Bravo. Dont get all imagination on us with the cinematography techniques, we all know what this is.

Alright, let’s start from the beginning. Weve got this daughter Cameran( already detest her based on her name spelling alone ), whos taking one of her clients on a boat out as a thank you. Thank you, SURE. I always take my hot male clients out on romantic boat-related outings to thank them for their business. Shes like and its like, sure, sure. Just like I never have one-night stands.

There’s this dude Craig, clearly an SAB whos living at home with his mothers while telling other people hes living the life. OK so we already know hes a complete fucking liar. Good start, Craig. Can’t tell I’m amazed he’s not truthful, considering Craig has more gels in his hair than the entire Jersey Shore house. Also, how does his mama have a Southern accent if theyre from Delaware? Somethings not adding up. Either way, our boy Craig is headed back to Charleston. #newcraig

Cameran has to pee while on the barge, so naturally she pee-pee in the water and its the lowest point of their own lives, aside from the moment she was named.

At the Charleston airport, Craig gratifies Naomie( divinity, who names these people ?), his girlfriend, who’s picking him up. This bitch needs to watch the road, or let someone else drive. Theyre moving in together. Plot twist: into her parents house. Craig, youre still a scrub. You played yourself fam.

Cue gratuitous shoots of a sign ad boiled peanuts and green tomatoes, just in case you forgot were in the South.

We open with some BSCB redhead, I missed her name, whos talking about how she took 30 PREGNANCY TESTS when she supposed she was pregnant. 30. OK Im no pharmacist but at $10 a pop wouldnt it have been cheaper, easier and less fucking weird to just go to the OBGYN? She and her newborn daddy, Thomas, are not togetherproving that even rich white people can still be ratchet AF.

Some guy named WhitneyI am not making this up, I swearstops by his mamas home. Shes complaining about how she had to open her own door and find her own shoes because the butlers on vacation. THE HORROR. This is like that episode of where Geoffrey goes on vacation and Hillary cant function, except this is not a 90 ‘s-era Will Smith sitcom, and there are real people who think this way.

I cook pasta for myself every night but I feel like a fucking Rhodes scholar. Wait, it turns out this guy Whitney has a house in Bel Air! Am I awesome at this, or what?

Mom : Im not gonna get into Kathryns pregnancy. Theyre both morons.

OK, I’m liking this mommy figure already.

Cooper, who has to be the resident GBFF, picks up Kathryn so they can beverage cocktails and basically reminisce about the Antebellum. Wait, but like, aren’t you pregnant? This bitch is living on an 800 acre plantation, bitching about how Thomas isnt giving her any of his fortune. Can I like, murder these people?

Mamabear is talking shit about Kathryn not having a chore and having two kids out of wedlock. Seems fair. Flashback to Kathryn telling Whitney to fall on a knife. Im stealing that.

Cooper : We have a certain little world downtown and you kind of swept into it like a hurricane.

Ah, yes. That good ol fashioned Southern shadiness. Wouldnt be a true Southern show without it.

Naomie and Fuckboy are planning a party while drinking champagne, natch. Can I hang out with these people? I hate them, but I feel like “peoples lives” are just one giant boozefest. No wonder theres so much drama.

So Thomass new home is bigger than my entire apartment building, and the only non-white people on the entire show so far are the painters. Cool.

Landon comes over( can we please get, like, an infographic on these peoples relationship to one-another because I am just lost) and she is not-very-low-key implying that they are fucking. Thomas has a black eye because some guy head-butted him at a club. Perhaps a sign that middle age is a bit too old to be balling out in VIP. PERHAPS.

Thomas wants to get a court order against Kathryn because apparently in South Carolina if you have a kid out of wedlock, the mother has complete parental control. Im sorry, is this place a fucking 1950 s time warp? South Carolina legistators, where ya asses at?

So at some point Shep( I believe, Cameran’s “client” from earlier ?) and Landon are prepping for Craig’s party. Landon sure gets around. I mean that both literally and figurativelyshe’s certainly on the move.

Shep( I guess ): I dont even suppose Craig drinkings red wine
Landon( I guess, these bitches all appear the same ): IDK he might, hes more grown-up these days.
If red wine is a sign of being grows up then Im fucking 80 years old with great-grandchildren. Also, why is this bitch a compulsive giggler? Lay off the wine before you go into the confessional next time.

Oof okay Kathryn seems scaring without makeup. Not my fault, watching this depict has turned my feminist dial back 50 -6 0 years.

Whitney: Are you gonna fuck Thomas?
Landon : No!( Yes)

It is still too early in the episode for me to break out the why the fuck you lyin gifs but here we are.

This party at Craigs is seersucker central. But again, what did I expect?

My brother watching the show was like, and I was like, True story.

One of the blonde girls is like, and you can tell shes trying to act cool while her panties are getting wet.

Everyone is talking shit about how Craig can afford this place. he cant.

Craig: Idk if me and Shep can be friends again

My brother whos never even watched this depict and doesnt even understand what its about: Well you cant be friends again, you made a mistake, so fuck you.

The rich get no sympathy.

Whitney: I dont miss being friends with Thomas because he is fucking nuts.

Thomas is flirting with a senior in college. Cool bro. How old are these people? Since they are all seem exactly the same and exactly the same age. But yet at the same time you can clearly tell Thomas is like, 50. What is in the water in Charleston?

Kathryn walks into the party and it’s obvious she’s the Kristen of the indicate, aka nobody wants her there.

Blondie: When you have nothing nice to say, you just say nothing to their face and talk shit behind their back. Thats what my mama taught me.

Thomas: I know I should talk to her because shes “ve had my” children and shit but I dont wanna!
My bro: Hes very wrinkly.

Fuck it, yall, my brother is just gonna write these recaps from now on.

Shep pulls Craig over to talk and they toast to #newcraig with some bourbon. Come on, wheres the showdown? Where’s the drama? Wheres the pizzazz?
Apparently Craig thought he was the# 1 of the group( he and Jax should talk) and Shep was not chill with it.

Shep : Im merely hard on people I like.
Craig : I suppose I was just mad you were calling me on my bullshit.

And then they jerked each other off. JK but like, that was the undertone. This is the confrontation we were building up to all episode? Booooo.

Its dark outside now and Im kind of impressed for Kathryn for stimulating it at this party this long. Thomas comes over and literally everyone is like, But thenThomas starts talking some bullshit about astrology. O…kay?
Thomas : You are a fire sign and our kid is going to be a Sagittarius and I believe our auras will mesh but your sign and my sign clash.

Hes bitching about his house being built and Kathryns like THANK YOU, somebody on this reveal, for maintaining it 100. OK maybe not 100, maybe like 78. These two are fighting over the color of the walls of their daughters nursery. Literally its WWIII over periwinkle vs. pink. Im beginning to see why you arent working out as a couple.

Kathryn: Hmm Landons wearing a dress thats periwinkle. COINCIDENCE?
Uh, yeah. I actually think it is a coincidence.

Thomas puts his hand on her belly and Kathryn is considering her success at biting it off. But she doesn’t. Kind of anticlimactic ending, but okay. I will probably stay around for this prove, if for no other reason than to induce constantcomparisons and wait for somebody to say something shadily bigoted. Sorry not sorry.

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