Holler Queens Recap: Everybody Loves Chad

Chanel is in full party planning mode for her pumpkin patch to benefit black hairy tongue cancer, which has yet to be explained in any manner. I watched the scene twice and all I could think of the entire time was Stefon.

This years hottest pumpkin patch is called MURDER and it has EVERYTHING: artisanal pumpkins, tiny ice covered midgets that pee-pee red policeman vodkas, an exact replica of the labyrinth from the glisten and TWO Fergies.

Number 5 has the unfortunate chore of telling Chanel she couldnt follow through on her undertaking( reuniting a partially dead Led Zeppelin to play at the pumpkin patch) and gets absolutely torn apart for it. If Abigail Breslin has made your skin crawl all season long, this is the episode for you as she expends a good half of it get shit on by Chanel.

While its been pretty obvious all season that shes one incorrectly made Starbucks shy of a mental breakdown, I never supposed the final straw for 5 would be because of Mary Todd Lincoln. But when Chanel decrees that 5 will have to dress up as crazy old MTL for the group assassinated chairwomen wives costumes, she fucking loses it and hands in her fur. Supposedly she is no longer a Chanel and Hester cant even pretend to control her raging boner about represent one step closer to the number 1 spot.

Munsch meets up the Dicky Dollar Scholars and Kappas because they are clearly the main two groups being targeted in this murder spree. Grace and Earl Grey remain the only two people in the room who are concerned about the whereabouts of Zayday, including school administration. The Dean has another reason for bringing them all together: to announce that she is finally going to be closing the campus. Not even Jamie Lee Curtis can come back from a student running haunted house full of literal dead bodies.

The entire room collectively flips the fuck out because closing school entails missing out on Halloween, which as everyone knows is one of the greatest drinking weekends of the college school year. No one is managing to coherently convey this clearly vital point until our Lord and Savior Chad Radwell steps in with the most inspiring speech to grace television screens since Braveheart.

Chad Radwell, 0 AC( After Chad)

Officially submitting my nomination for Radwell 2016.; it would still be a better alternative than Trump. Even Caufield, the armless Dicky Dollar Scholar, is alive and ready to fucking rage, serial murderer be damned. Not all heroes wear capes. Or in this case, sleeves.

Unmoved by the gravity of the issue at hand, Munsch decides to still cancel Halloween. Doing what she does best, Chanel puts her own interests above the safety of others and the law by moving her pumpkin patch to 12:01 on November 1st, thus skirting the Halloween curfew. The best part about this black hairy tongue pumpkin patch benefit is that Chanel thinks that holding it will somehow solidify her status as Kappa president to the seven other girls in Kappa who watched her straight up fry the face off of someone.

After the session, Abigail Breslin is cooking toe nail cookies in the Kappa kitchen for the neighborhood children. How rude of them to cinema her behind the scenes and then just air it like that. Hester comes in to plot the demise of Chanel, revealing herself as a switch hitter/ double agent/ certified fucking crazy person.

Hester and 5 enlist the help of the weird candle vlogger, who takes some time out of their deviant scheming to show off her entire wall encompassing ant farm. We couldnt even have fish in my sorority, but there were also more than eight of us and we didnt murder our cook so maybe my experience was a little different.

Team Batshit finally manages to convince the candle girl, whose name Im really not bothered enough to check, to commit to their cause by outing Chanel as a blasphemous candle waster. The scheme is that they all throw their votes to Zayday, thus overturning Chanel and hopefully putting them in Zaydays cabinet. There are seven of them, which isnt even enough to fill one exec board, but whatever.

Chanel is finally arrested for the murder of Ms. Bean while in the midst of taking a test with her on-retainer Asian. Between the box munching gags and blatant racism, Im starting to think that Ryan Murphy went to my high school. The Chanels and the candle girl are all dubiously standing watch outside as Chanel is driven away in the back of a cop automobile. Its a pretty bold move to reveal yourself as a backstabber like that when Chanel is clearly rich enough to make bail in about six seconds.

Finally we get to see Zayday who, while alive, is being held in some Silence of the Lambs style basement complete with 80 s jams, subterranean pit, and bichon frise. Moral of the story: only sociopaths own bichons. Get a real fucking dog.

Grace is still trying to rally a search party for Zayday amongst the Kappas. You think she would have caught on by now that appealing to their emotions is utterly futile and the only way to get shit done around here is blackmail. She leaves Kappa with Pete, upset but determined.

Famous Last Words

Grace: Lets ask my dad for help. He is the only person in my whole life “whos never” let me down.( Cue laughter from disillusioned daughters around the world)

Well ignore the part where you accused him of lying to you your entire life and being a serial killer like a week ago, and look to the thousands of other routes your dad could be letting you down. For example, he could be boning your sorority advisor and have you walk in on it. I literally cant imagine anything more uncomfortable then staring into the eyes of your daddy while he still has post-sex hair and probably the remnants of a boner. As if Grace wasnt already scarred enough.

In prison, Chanel is basically a slightly less vexing version of Piper Chapman. She promptly rallies a crew, head up by one of her many Instagram adherents and Chanel-O-Ween fans, and swears eternal friendship to them until her bail is posted two seconds later by 3 and Predatory Lez. Chanel leaves jail with one thing in intellect: destroying 5.

Munsch and Denise are having a heart to heart over( what else ?) Chad Radwell. Same, ladies, same. It turns out Denise has also fucked him, along with every single female member of this cast and crew. The PA fucked Chad. Girl who holds the boom stick? Fucked Chad. Nick Jonas? Definitely fucked Chad.

Grace, Pete, Wes, and Gigi( the most uncomfortable crime solving double date of all time) barge in during the course of its middle of Chad Talk to demand that someone actually start looking for Zayday.

Munsch: UMMMMM can everyone calm the fucking down? I constructed the mature decision and called Secure Security Solutions

Wes flaunts his relationship with Gigi in front of Munsch because apparently he does not fear death. Everyone on this indicate seems to forget the people that they accused of slaying simply days before, and continue to interact with them on a semi-normal, antagonistic basis. I, for one, would not be baiting the woman that I was convinced was running an unstoppable assassination train on campus.

Chanel procures 5 garmenting up as Jackie Kennedy in her closet, a doubled capital offense. It turns out Hester and CV( Candle Vlogger) completely sold 5 out and blamed her for the entire attempted takeover. If Emma Roberts’ tiny bird-like hand were capable of physical harm( sorry, Evan Peters) this would have been the moment that she intentionally committed murder.

Instead she offers 5 an ultimatum: go set up the pumpkin patch past curfew, at which point you would definitely be risking being gruesomely murdered, or Chanel will show Roger and Dodger( the Eiffel Tower Twins) a video of 5 loving herself a la Hailee Steinfeld to an episode of Dora the Explorer. Literally didnt gues she could get any more repulsive, but apparently 5 sits around jerking it to a tiny Mexican child and a monkey in boots. We get it Ryan Murphy, youre twisted. We all insured the drill bit dildo, you can cool it.

Grace and the rescue crew , now with Denise in tow, manage to find a map of town in the fight to rescue Zayday. Gigi has some Indiana Jones type theory about tracking clay deposits around township and merely Denise supposes to question why she knows about any of that. Eventually everyone realizes this is the fucking 21 st century and they track Zaydays phone.

On the way out Grace and her papa try to have a quick convo about Gigis clear mental inadequacies that

1. Gigi can hear and

2. Denise interrupts because she is forever the voice of reason on this show.

Succumbing to Chanels will yet again, 5 recruits the help of Roger and Dodger to illuminate all of the jack-o-lanterns at the pumpkin patch. As far as put in for sorority functions go, this looks pretty fucking tamed. Id instead take my chances with a serial killer than spend another minute of my life staple-gunning twinkle sunlights into every inch of an unstable ceiling.

As everyone knew would happen, the Red Devil appears and the three of them run into The Shining Maze to hide. The biggest takeaway from this entire scene is that Roger and Dodger are terrible actors, but theyre also male models so were all just going to ignore it.

The twins stop in the midst of their mad dash for safety to attain 5 choose between them once and for all. You know what they say: When you spew roast a girl with your twin friend you run health risks of falling madly in love with her, even if shes Abigail Breslin. This is definitely something “theyre saying”. I heard it from a Beta at Louisville.

Roger wins 5s heart and they break off on their own, because I guess Dodger favors demise to rejection. Same. Perhaps as a result of his heartbreak, or merely overwhelming idiocy, Dodger is viciously killed by the red demon before he can escape the maze. Moment of stillnes for all of the Eiffel Towering hell never get to accomplish.

Team Rescue arrives at the cellar they tracked Zaydays phone to and Grace, who constantly claims to be the rational one on this demonstrate, instantaneously opts to split up. She heads out with her Dad and Pete and the three of them stroll right into the killers lair, which has a table define with wine and Oakland Nachos, Zaydays fave snack. Pretty sure its merely chips covered in BBQ sauce, but Im not one to judge others options in junk food because I have spent a significant section of my drunken nights in a Taco Bell drive-thru. The hole in the ground that Zayday previously occupied is empty.

Denise and Gigi, the definitely less reasonably stacked squad, stumble upon a Dexter-esque murder lab. The sunlights go out right away and the Red Devil appears. Denise tases Gigi and then Gigi tases the Red Devil, at which point Denise inexplicably chooses its a good idea to leave her by herself while she grabs the others. Of course by the time everyone stimulates it back, the Red Devil is gone.

Wes remembers that hes supposed to be a competent adult and calls the police while Gigi and Grace overcome the obstacles in their relationship. Its a big, happy family moment until Denise points out that Zayday is gone and conveniently so is the Red Devil.

Back at Kappa, Chanel is trying to rig voting while her opponent is otherwise occupied( i.e. kidnapped ). Number 5, who just escaped assassination and suffered through the death of one of her boyfriends, is there to support Chanel, who she hates. The relationships in this sorority are almost as convoluted and backhanded as real life ones.

Just in time to frustrate Chanels plan, Zayday shows up and regales the entire house minus Grace( again, six of them ), with the histories of what shes been through in the time that she was missing and no one was searching for her.

The Red Devil treated her very well despite sticking her in a pit in the ground. He dedicated her gift and even hosted a Phantom of the Opera style dinner complete with Oakland Nachos. Grace shows up to back up her narrative despite only find some circumstantial proof, and voting is put over until the next episode.

Across campus, we get a big reveal: Gigi is not just in #CAHOOTS with the Red Devil, but she appears to be running the prove. She berates one of them for the behavior of the other, presumably the one she had to tase, and tells him that he has to go. I believe the lesson we can all learn from this is never trust anyone who wears acid wash mama jeans outside of a themed event.

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