Lez Get You Laid: How To Tell If A Girl Is Gay

People are constantly asking me how I can tell if a girl is gay. Usually, the conversation goes something like this 😛 TAGEND

Zara you dont LOOK homosexual. How do other gay people know youre lesbian? How can you tell who is a lesbian and who isnt?

Theyll look at me with bulging eyeballs, freaked out as if my long, raven hair andred lipstick has tossed them into a parallel universe where you cant tell who the hell is lesbian, bisexual, straight, trans, poly or anything anymore.

I mean, if it doesnt walk like a duck and its doesnt talk like a duck, CAN IT STILL BE A DUCK?

Well, yes, sweet kittens. Sometimes it looks like a swan, but its actually a duck.

A girl can wear traditionally straight attire, but once you tear those glam clothes off her body, youll find she actually haslesbian skin.

Theres a dyke beneath those decorator duds, babe.

So, how can you tell?

Some daughters weartheir sexuality right on their cloth sleeves. They have rainbow tattoos and equality signs adorned on their foreheads. Theyre lesbian girls, and they dress exactly how you would expect a lesbian to dress.

Maybe theyrechic pantsuit lesbians. Maybetheyresexy, short hair lesbians. Or maybe theyre snapback and tattoo lesbians, but arewearing what society has traditionally deemed to be lesbian garb. And thatstotally fine and cool and wonderful.

I used to fiercely wish I was one of those lesbians.

Namely, so I didnt get myself into awkward situations like having to out myself the first day at work, having to gently turn down a lovely Jewish mommy who wanted to set me up with her lovely Jewish son or freaking out the manicurist when she asked if I have a boyfriend and I tell her my girlfriend is waiting at the bar down the block.

I mean, I do look pretty good in cloth, but it has to be wrap around my hips when Im wearing a baby doll, grunge mini dress, Courtney Love rent tights and scuffed kitten heels.

But, trust me, I dont look good with short hair. I seem good with long hair, winged liner and mascara.

But you know what? Most lesbians can instantaneously tell that Im a lesbian. I exude lesbian energy, I guess. I radiate a Sapphic prowess. Or perhaps Im simply flirty. Who knows?

But I can tell who is gay, too.

I will always be the controversial voice whoyells, NO shes NOT GAY when our waitress has a half-sleeve of tattoos and athletics a buzzcut.

Because I know that clothes are simply window dressing, honey. Looks are just looks. But I can see whats inside because I have a magical, mystic power known in the medical community as gaydar.

Its a gift. A boon. A treasure from God, herself.

Look, gaydar cant learn from them. Like sexuality, youre born this way.

But let me tell you something, my bicurious kitten. I can give you a few gems that will help you be able to tell if a girl is GAY or NOT GAY.

Because its hard out there for a fag girl, we have to stick together and share our gifts.

Trust your instincts.

OK, lez say youre out in a bar, youre looking at a girl and there is a twinkle in her eye, a little sparkle thats luring you in. She likely plays for your squad( or at least wants to ).

Our gut instincts are far wiser than our brains will ever be. If your gut is saying shes wholly lesbian and she entirely wants you, I would boldly trust it.

In fact, screw what anyone tells. Trust your intestine when it is necessary to everything in life, especially sexuality.


Check out the nails.

Ugh, I know Im going to get shit for this one, but Im your lesbian older sister and Im not going to fuck around in the name of being politically correct.

My main goal here is to help gorgeous, confused little you, so Im going to give it to you straight( er, gay ?): Check out her nails.

Does she have long acrylics that are stylishly pointed like Rhianna or Lana Del Rey? Maybe theyre long, pointed and have crystals expertly glued onto them.

Now close your pretty eyes. Imagine those vicious talons inside of your vagina. I know. Brutal.

Look, as lesbians, our fingers are extremely important tools in our sex lives. If theyre sharp, theyre going to rend apart your insides and thats no fun for anyone.

Most lesbians will have short, immaculately clean nails.

The lesbians who do have long, sharp fingernails are not usually the different types to be sticking their thumbs inside of you, and are you really into that kind of pillow princess?

I know Im not. Only saying!


Dont make assumptions.

Like I stated earlier, simply because shes wearing false eyelashes and a sequined dress doesnt mean shes straight.

On the other hand, only because shes wearing a chain wallet doesnt mean shes a lesbian.

DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

There are so many different types of lesbians in this cruel, cold world.

The moment you catch yourself making a vapid hypothesi, I want you to take a few deep breaths, feel your feet rooted into the earth and tap into your gut again.


Note how she acts around men.

Again, this is going to be blazingly controversial and full of sweeping generalizations that are sure to offend some, but my aim here is to phase you in the right direction. And I feel this is a valid point 😛 TAGEND

How does she act around humen? Most heterosexual women in a bar will somewhat change around humen , not because shes a disempowered entity, but her body language will change around an attractive man.

Shell hold her herself differently. Shell be more apt to smile. She might even throw him a few bitchy-but-sexy looks. Whatever her flirting style is, youll notification at least a subtle altered in her behavior when in the presence of male energy.

Lesbians, on the other hand, are totally the same around men. Its pretty awesome to watch, actually.

A lesbian will never laugh at an unfunny joke from a frat boy, shell only be wildly irritated and shoot him a dirty look.

She wont tap her fingers against the glass and smile coyly, shell merely attain casual conversation.

He could be Brad Pitt, and a lesbian wont be hurled at all.

This is precisely why lesbians and straight men are often such good friends. Or mortal foes. It goes both ways.


Ask her.

Never once in my life have I been offended when someone asked me if I was gay.

But I HAVEbeen offended in this kind of situation 😛 TAGEND

Lesbian gazes me down. Lesbian struts over to me, takes a confident sip of her beverage and harshly ejaculates, Are you a lesbian?

Yes, Ill answer honestly, drinking my civilized glass of wine like a fucking lady.

Oh, well you dont Appear like a lesbian.

Well, I wasnt offended by the question, but did she genuinely need to toss in that bitchy anecdoteat the end? No. Its merely not necessary.

Dont tell me I dont look like my people. I am my people, bitch.

But a simple question, a simple, polite, I dont mean to be rude, but I was wondering if you were interested in girls? I, personally, think is fine.

I mean, if we dont ask, how the hell will we ever know?

So, when in doubt, Be asking, babe. If she screams at you, send her my style.

Ill set that lesbian straight( er, lesbian ?).

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