Were heading into the home stretch of season six of Game of Thrones, and there are still so many questions to be answered. Will Sansa strike down Ramsey and retake Winterfell? Will Cersei best the Sparrows? Will Danaerys set sail for Westeros? Will someone get Arya the fuck out of Braavos? The next three weeks are about to be a rollercoaster of emotion and hopefully together we come out on the other end with a semblance of sanity and an ounce of tears left in our bodies.
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In my humble opinion( that you all willingly subject yourselves to each week ), last nights episode of was kind of boring. Sure, there was a big return and the introduction of the single betchiest ten-year-old to ever grace Westeros, but the majority of the plot was simply set up for the many depict downs to come in the next three weeks. Whatever, I guess all this diplomacy will tide me over until we get to watch the highly anticipated massacre that is CLEGANEBOWL. Speaking of
The Dog Days Are Over
The episode opens on a disarmingly peaceful valley where a ragtag group of puritan-looking people are now working in harmony. Men laugh and cajole about as they construct what appears to be the start of a church. The girls smile on as they prepare a hearty meal. The sunlight is glistening, birds are chirping. Everything is serene and happy, which only entails one thing in this depict: an unavoidable swift and brutal death.
But why are we getting a glimpse into this utopian camp with no recognizable characters, all before the forty five-minute snack breach known as the title sequence , no less? One very important reason: THE HOUND IS BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS.
After being nursed back to health by Ray, a reformed assassin turned faith leader, The Hound has been living in only slightly disgruntled harmony amongst this cultish collect of peacemakers in the Riverlands.
Ray: So how many humen did it take to cut you down?
The Hound: Actually, “its one” woman and a supremely angsty teenager but DETAILS.
He spends most of the episode( and presumably the entire period that hes been there) dwell over his life and the violence that has dictated it while Ray discusses things like faith, the Gods, and the Hounds purpose in this ceaseless hellhole. Its the most emotion weve ever seen from The Hound without chicken present.
The Hound : If the Gods are real, why have I not been penalise yet?
Ray : I meanhave you assured your face?
Rays entire commune is built upon a single notion: Its never too late to become a good person. This is news to The Hound, who has expended his entire life being told hes a piece of shit with a very special skillset: murdering everything. Its also an ideology that goes against just about everything that is built on. Lets be real, the only thing people in this depict like less than change is honesty. Rays outlook is freshening, hopeful even, which entails it must be extinguished instantly, since they are Westeros and there is no exhilaration here.
The communes fate is sealed when they are happened upon by three lone riders from the Brotherhood Without Banners, who rapidly recognise an easy and totally defenseless target when they find one. Seriously though, if anyone ever said to me, I would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was mere minutes from demise. Hippie faith or not, its time to GTFO or at least give the murder machine you rescued an axe to defend you with.
But nah, Ray aint about life. So its no astound that when The Hound returns from chopping firewood he discovers the entire camp slaughtered and the septon hung from the rafters of his partially built temple. Tbh, this is what you get when you think faith alone will protect you in a country thats like The Purge every day of the year.
The last shot in the episode is of The Hound picking up an axe and presumably defining off to seek vengeance. Ah, something new and refreshing for him.
Having supposedly switched allegiance to the Sparrows and their Faith last week, Margaery is still going strong on her reformed piety act. The High Sparrow comes to her chambers for a casual chat about things you usually discuss with your clergyman: Bible poems, opinions on the poor and misfortunate, and whether or not youre fucking your fourteen-year-old husband.
Idk if church has changed since my forced servitude at Vacation Bible Camp back in elementary school, but this seemed to cross a line or two. It also means that Tommen is openly bitching to his faith advisor about his sex life, which is pathetic even for him.
Margaery : Since dedicating myself over to religion, I dont actually feel the desire to have sex anymore.
High Sparrow : lol since when has female longing ever played a role in sex. THIS IS, HUN.
The Sparrow asks Margaery to try and reason with her grandmother, the only person on this depict who can rival Lyanna Mormont to its implementation of low tolerance for bullshit. Lady Tyrell is pissed that she was outmaneuvered last week, and even angrier that her viciously manipulative granddaughter has appeared to have been brainwashed. Oh Olenna, ye of little faith.
After very emphatically telling her grandmother to give up on Loras and GO HOME ROGER, Margaery passes her a note right under the Septons watchful eye. Bold move, but no one gets beaten with a ladle so perhaps they got away with it. The message: a Tyrell rose, which means that Margaery is very much in control of herself and her allegiances are right where they need to be. Olenna catches on right away and prepares to leave, but not without one more showdown against her favorite nemesis, Cersei.
Honestly, all I want from this depict( other than the happy aiming that will never gone) is a Grace and Frankie style spinoff featuring Cersei and Olenna. Benioff and Weiss, feel free to slide into my DMs so we can get this started.
Cersei is shocked that Olenna is throwing in the towel so easily. While these two may agree on virtually nothing, they share an unrelenting dedication to household even in the face of sure defeat. Olenna takes this moment to remind Cersei that literally this entire situation is her fault, but never lets her hand slip-up about Margaerys true motives.
Olenna: I wonder if youre the absolute worst person Ive ever met.
Cersei : Oh, easily top three.
Cerseis attempts at getting Olenna to stick around for one last hurrah seem sincere, but her post-Shame Walk diet of Xanax and wine has dimmed the fire that used to is coming from her every word. She actually wants the Tyrells to help her combat this out, but she sounds like shed accept a foot rub and a nap as a solid consolation prize.
Olennas parting words: While we know that shes definitely not down for the count, you bet this statement is still 100% true.
Stark Revival Tour 2K16
Jon, Sansa and Davos spend the entire episode traveling the North in an attempt to recruit other families to their cause. There are some wins, some loss, and some insane quantities of shade thrown by a ten-year-old. Overall, a solid trip.
First stop: The Wildlings .
You know shit is getting bad when a diplomatic meeting with the Wildlings seems tame. Another red-headed leader who looks like the poor men Tormund is decidedly against storming on Winterfell. To be fair, this is not the combat they agreed to. Why this human is more willing to fight virtually invincible zombies rather than a bunch of easily murdered humen is beyond me, but whatever.
A recurring topic on this journey, Jon has to explain why this battle is more than just a fight for Winterfell. Jon cant rally the Northern families to fight the White Walkers until the Boltons are run, and they cant get rid of the Boltons without the Wildlings. Its a simple instance of the Transitive Property- COME ON, WILDLINGS. Now is no time to forget your basic geometry.
In case this logic wasnt enough to drive their phase home, Tormund came in with one pretty important reminder: Jon has literally already sacrificed their own lives for the Wildling cause.
Tormund : Wed be cowards to not risk our lives for Jon as he did for us
Wildlings: Uh yeah, but is some fire witch going to bring us back to life?
Wun-Wun, a giant of few words, settles the discussion with a simple SNOW before he strides off to do whatever the fuck it is giants do. This is all the encouragement the Wildlings need, and theyre officially on Team Stark.
Second Stop: Bear Island
As Bear Island is the home of Jorah, I presumed I would be underwhelmed and riled by the entire discussion that took place there. And BOY, was I so incredibly wrong.
Look up take no shit on the Internet and youll determine a photo of Lady Lyanna Mormont, the ten-year-old ruler of Bear Island who has no time for small talk or Jon Snows whiny resurrected ass. Same.
Quick reminder: Stannis wrote to Lady Mormont back in Season 5 when he was trying to garner support to his cause. Her reaction was a terse House Mormont knows one King, the King in the North. And his name is Stark. We should have known then that the girl who out-gruffed Stannis Baratheon would show up a season afterwards to steal our collective hearts. Jon and Sansa are hoping that this steadfast loyalty to the Stark name will be enough to bring the Mormonts to their side. They would be wrong.
After reminding Jon that hes actually a Snow and basically calling Sansa the Julie Cooper-Nichol of the North, she lets them know that House Mormont has had enough Stark drama to last a lifetime and will gladly be staying away from this mess as well. It seems callous, but candidly this is the question that Ive asked myself every time some stranger has offered up his entire bloodline for the sake of another familys petty bullshit throughout the entire duration of this show.
Surprisingly enough its Davos who comes in to save the day. He starts by talking to Lyanna like shes an adult, a strategy that goes a long way with people who arent actually adults. Inversely, the best way to get me to do anything these days is to bribe be like Im a spoiled eleven-year-old, which is probably why I would have died in the pilot.
As another stranger with zero connection to Stark or Bolton, Davos convinces Lady Mormont that this fight is worth her period for one very important reason: The army of undead marching their way give zero fucks what your home is, they just want you dead.
Davos: This is a war between the living and the dead, and the dead are coming.
Lady Mormont : Pretty sure you merely altered this depicts entire catchphrase, but continue.
When trying to recruit a child leader to your cause, 10/10 would recommend frightening her with ghost narratives. Lyanna rapidly offers up the entire Mormont army: a staggering 62 men. Lyanna : Each one is a strong as ten warriors from the mainland.
Davos : Woah, mlady, thats a lot of math. I learned to read like a week ago.
Third Stop: House Glover
The sigil of House Glover is an iron fist, aka a silver glove. Hopefully what they lack in ingenuity they make up for in brute strength and loyalty to the Starks.
Or not. Lord Glover is still not all that psyched about his last Stark venture, in which Robbs uncontrollable dick got them all murdered and left House Glover at the compassion of the Greyjoys. Determining out that the Stark army is comprised mainly of Wildlings is the final nail in the coffin for this final recruitment endeavor. Team Stark heads back to their camp, which should look familiar to you.
Davos: The one true King Stannis Baratheon choice this camp for his
Sansa : Bruh. Were past that.
It would appear that our loving reunion could only last so long before the sibling bickering set in. Jon “ve decided to” march on Winterfell ASAP, while Sansa wants to wait and rally more troops. In a very male move, Jon screams his opinion over Sansas and then stalks away assuming victory. Fool.
Firmly ensconced in her bad bitch phase, Sansa sneaks away to send a raven to summon the army at the vale that Littlefinger promised her. Theres a lot of Internet speculation that this move will result in Sansa winning Winterfell but ultimately losing her life. Much like Krum catching the Snitch but Ireland winning the World Cup anyways, only with endlessly more tears from me.
Black Fish Don’t Give A Fuck
Fresh from being banished by his nephew/ son, Jaime arrives at Riverrun to help the Freys regain the castle from The Black Fish. The good news: We are blessed with the reunion of Butch Lannister and the Sundance Bronn. The bad news: The Freys are worse at holding a perimeter than they are at hosting weddings, and Jaime feat. his 8000 -man army merely waltz right in totally undetected.
Bronn : Just a quick reminder: I want nothing to do with you, this war, or this show. Jaime :
Jaime and company arrive just as Walder Freys sons are threatening to hang Edmure if The Black Fish doesnt resignation. To say that he is unmoved would be an understatement. Odds are it’s because he knows its all bluff, but it probably doesn’t help that Edmure has proved pretty useless thus far. Quick reminder that humen on this depict don’t indicate a lot of sympathy towards sons who manage to get themselves captured.
Frey: I will literally slice your nephew ear to ear just like I did to your niece.
Black Fish : aight.
Predictably, the Freys dont actually do anything to Edmure and The Black Fish strays back inside, likely to make a sandwich and kick back with the NFL network because holding this castle necessitates zero effort on his part.
Outside, Jaime lets the Freys know how he feels about their military strategy by backhanding one of them with his solid gold hand. Phase induced. He then demands that Edmure be cleaned and given a meal, because this may be war but Lannisters are not animals. He sends Bronn to alert The Black Fish that hed like to parlay.
If the stone cold glare in the face of death threats to his nephew wasnt enough, two minutes of screen period were all it took to solidify The Black Fishs place on my list of favorite characters. The only thing he is less impressed by than the Freys is Jaime, who last he heard had sworn a promise to Catelyn.
Black Fish: Weird, I thought you were supposed to be off procuring Sansa and Arya for my dead niece.
Jaime : Dude, that was like three seasons ago.
Their entire encounter can be summarize by this: The Black Fish doesnt give a fuck. Hes got the resources to hide out in that castle for two years, which is longer than the Freys could last and about one year and 364 days more than Jaime is willing to. To add insult to injury, Jaime is extra sensitive to people underestimating him, which is exactly what The Black Fish, Bronn, Tommen and just about everyone else is doing. All it takes is a couple King Slayer and Oathbreaker jabs to break his spirit before The Black Fish strolls back into his castle.
For those of you who were lamenting the supreme lack of brothel scenes this season, dread not. This episode received a healthy dosage of boob when the The Greyjoys, who are fleeing for their lives with an entire fleet of stolen ships, decided to stop off for a much-needed break in Volantis. Nothing takes your intellect off the impending threat of demise like picking up a couple STDs with your best buds.
Unless youre Theon, that is, who is having a difficult time enjoying himself seeing as how he not only cant get it up, but has nothing to actually get up. Or perhaps its the fact that he has to sit uncomfortably close to his sister while she motorboats a prostitute. Idk, both sound like major boner murderers to me.
While I disagree with just about everything the Iron Islands stands for, their progressive posture on lesbian rights is commendable. Just wait until Yara sees Danaerys; we may have another Jorah on our hands.
Noticing the total buzzkill that her friend is being, Yara makes a super fun drinking game where she makes Theon drink every time hes a whiny bitch. It demonstrates quite effective. She follows up her sisterly pep talk with telling Theon to kill himself if he doesnt think he can bounce back from his minor bout of depression stemming from the years of torture he suffered at the hands of perhaps the most psychopathic character this depict was ever seen. So the Yara Greyjoy school of mental health may be flawed, but she means well.
Its during this rare instance of sibling bonding, or at least as close as the Ironborn get to it, that Yara reveals her plan. She wants to beat Euron to Meereen and ally with Danaerys. Considering as how she got with with all of his ships, her odds seem good. It takes a couple more gulps from Theon before he can get on board with this plan, but he manages. Yara bids him farewell, off to construct the most of her last night of debauchery before they get back to business.
Yara Im gonna run fuck the tits off this one Greyjoy. Devote her all the thrones.
Arya balls out and books an entire cabin to herself on a ship back to Westeros. About fucking time. Her ship leaves at dawn, which entails she only has to make it twelve or so hours in a city where two people out to kill her could be wearing any face. No problem.
Instead of hiding out or laying low or any number of smart moves, Arya plants herself in the middle of an empty bridge, totally defenseless. It takes all of six seconds for the Waif to find and stab her right in the gut, at which point Arya barrel rolls of the cliff into the river below.
She pulls herself up onto shore and stumbles through the city, soaking wet and oozing blood. Many people seem immediately at her and proceed to offer zero supporting. Braavos, the towns of hospitality. I refuse to believe she succumbs, so heres hoping Lady Crane sees her and offers some empathy to her would-be assassin.
On a side note, I read a theory that Arya is pulling a Tyler Durden and that she has actually been the Waif the entire period. Of all the fan hypothesis, it seems the weakest to me. But if it is true it will only give me one more reason to resent.
MVB: Lyanna Mormont.
Is this even a question? An extreme dislike for small talk, zero respect for strangers or elders, and immediate rejection of any and all compliments thrown her way. Lyanna is not the betch Westeros needs, but the one it deserves.
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