1. I thought he was just this sad guy who hung around the bar sometimes and never truly spoke and should wash his hair more often. I liked his hat. I liked that he made murder jokes with me and I appreciated the fact that we have the same savour in brew and in denim coats. We’re friends, I believe. When do you actually know that you’ve gone from someone it’s not weird to say hi to on the street to actual friends? I would assume it’s when you start asking for advice and entrust, so if that’s the case we’re friends. But I only want him to be happy. And I think someday he will be.
2. I recollect in 7th grade we got into a fight and she said to me,” You know what you did .” I actually didn’t and to this day, don’t. But I also know we got over it and she’s one of those people I can sit in silence with on my laptop and it’s not weird. We have philosophical dialogues about the Kardashians and the same savor in wine. She’s smarter than me. She’s smarter than everyone. I feel like she’s one of those people who isn’t just a friend anymore, she’s my family.
3. I don’t know if things will ever be normal or okay again between us. And candidly, I don’t think I even really know what that means. Does anyone know how to go from being something to just being what you were before? Is that even possible? I don’t really like being around him now because I’ve become insanely comfortable in routine and in not feeling like my belly is going to drop at any second. But I would be lying if I tried to feign that wasn’t a clear indication that somewhere, as much as I’ve tried my absolute best to deny it, he doesn’t matter.
4. Do you ever satisfy person and just know at your core that they’re just … than you? That’s him. I often hear/ say,” Wow, he’s the most put together person I know ,” and it’s honestly true. I kind of owe him for putting me back together during a year when I wasn’t sure that was possible. It’s not quite as dramatic as” I wouldn’t be alive if not for him” but I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now. Or happy. Or comfy. Or functioning. And that’s kind of the same when you think about it.
5. I feel very protective of her. And it’s weird because, we aren’t anywhere near one another anymore or even actively involved in each other’s lives but like, I still feel like she should be asking my opinion about things. But obviously when you’re adults that’s not really how life runs. That would be really bizarre if you think about it. A mid-twenty-something asking a late-twenty-something,” Should I date this person ?” I realized the other day I don’t really know that much about her life anymore and it’s not exactly a sad feeling, it’s just sort of strange to run from to be together literally every day to only figuring out what her significant other’s name is due in part to Twitter.
6. A plenty of the time I think they’re wrong and I truly want to lay down the law. I want to list every reason they’re incorrect, powerpoint presentation precisely each blunder and mistake, genuinely nail in exactly where and why and how and every possible reason why they are unequivocally wrong. But then I recollect what it’s like to try and carve out a place for yourself. To truly try and stimulate something yours and build something for yourself. So as riling as it is and as “OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS” as it can make me, it’s somehow endearing.
7. She’s likely( meaning: utterly) one of the most perplexing people I’ve ever met, and even knowing something like, what kind of wine she prefers feels like being let in on a secret. But I truly respect her sentiments and she’s one of the few people I find completely original in a ocean of everyone who is merely wears the same Madewell sweaters and all would like to speak about Taylor Swift. I think she’s better than the majority of members of us. I don’t think she gives herself enough credit.
8. For the majority of members of my life I’ve had trouble stimulating new friends. I’m difficult to get along with. I’m incredibly blunt. I don’t get my impressions hurt very often or easily so I have to remind myself that not everyone is made out of stone like me. But from the fist time I met her, when we jumped into an Uber to go back to my place after I picked her up from SeaTac, she’s made me feel like she gets me. I’ve never felt like I have to write out a giant explanation of” This Is Why I Am Like This I’m So Sorry” in order to feel understood. She merely understands me. And that’s something I never expected to find on Twitter.
9. Most of my role models have always been people I didn’t actually know. Celebrities, legislators, girls I insured in interviews but never actually met. Novelists I put on a pedestal of” I’ll never be as good as them .” And for a very long time, she was one of those writers. Hell, she still is. Whenever she writes something I’m literally taken aback at the style she sets stories together, the way she determines the perfect words to explain herself. It’s remarkable. But I can now say that one of the people I most look up to in the world is also one of my closest friends. Maybe that’s normal for some people, but it feels really special to me.
10. I don’t think he actually wants got anything to do with me anymore. At some phase in our lives he went one style, and I detoured along another. But even though that might be the case and even though somehow our routes traversed again after literal years, I hope he knows he mattered. I hope he doesn’t think I just forgot about him. Because I would never want him to feel that. Forgotten.
11. 7 years ago I was in a relationship that was disappearing before my very eyes and I could just feel everything melting in a way that at 20 I didn’t really have the words to express. I was frightened, I was lonely even though there was someone sleeping beside me almost every night. I didn’t know what to do with myself. And then this amazing, lovable, high string, hurricane of a thing entered my life and I’ve never been the same. She’s quite literally the reason I get up every morning and the only thing in this world I guess I genuinely love unconditionally. And maybe that’s laughable or dumb but she made my world make sense when I wasn’t sure that was possible. And even if you find it kind of stupid, you have to admit it’s special.