A list of things I wish women’s publications would publish

No one cares what boys think of rompers. And enough already with the elusive messy fishtail braid

You dont need to get your clothes tailored. No one needs to get their clothes tailored.

No one gives a damn if you have a signature cocktail at your party. Literally no one. Buy seven more bottles of wine and dont worry about it.

Its altogether fine to buy the majority of members of your wardrobe from Eternally 21 and when people ask about it, just say you bought it at Zara.

An article about elastic waists. My body doesnt want to wear denim. I know bootcut jeans are in this autumn, but I want to be swaddled like a little burrito into some leggings.

Forget about burpies. I know, I know, we need more activity not less. Get out on the dance floor. Walk back and forth in front of your exs home. Squat over public toilets. Those all count.

A story about a celebrity that doesnt have a stunning millionaire female telling us how to love ourselves. I know Cameron Diaz wants me to embrace my body she wrote a book about that for heavens sake! but she also married a man from Good Charlotte who now has a skull tattoo. I dont actually feel like shes the authorities concerned on self-love.

Everyone has to shave their toe hairs. Youre lying if you dont have to.

Speaking of, I wish womens publications would do a nice tutorial of how to shave. I feel like I never actually got the hang of it.

In the career section: I want to hear from, like, a tollbooth operator. Why is it just journalists, CEOs and occasionally a congresswoman? I want to hear about what its like to be a waitress or a board game decorator. Im never, after all, going to get a job where I wear a pantsuit.

Movies to watch without your boyfriend.

No more easy hairstyle notions. Look, we are all trying to figure out how to not look like our hair is just a pile of garbage that got caught in a salad spinner. But vague four-step directions that apparently lead to a messy fishtail braid are not the answer. Everyones hair is way too different anyway.

I wish womens publications would get a new decide of body types. Its usually boyish, apple, pear or curvy none of which fit me. And why fruit? Lets get some real body types out there, like I Want to Conceal My Arms or Help Me Disguise My Flat Ass or I Dont Want to Suck In All Day, What Should I Wear?

Ways to blow your own mind in bed.

Speaking of bodies, Im frankly tired of womens publications asking super hot people about their favorite feature. If you arent going to answer my brain you at least “ve just got to” subvert things a little with my cellulite or my stretching marks. Come on! Mens publications arent asking men about their favorite body part( though to be fair, it would always be his dick ).

Recently, Oprahs magazine suggested that crop tops are merely for those people with a flat belly. Which is complete bullshit on a lot of levels, but I would just love to see a publication run balls-out and publish photos of women wearing whatever the hell they want.

Articles that dont consult men on what is sexy. At all.

One issue one single issue of a publication that doesnt include the advice that pandering in a little dark chocolate is OK. Id adore an article that just said: Run for it girl, eat the whole pan of lasagne. We arent even concerned if you earned it or not! You dont earn calories. Youre a grown adult! Live your truth and buy two pretzels from the mall.

Dont text him. Merely that. Just that line. We all need it sometimes.

Who fucking cares what boys think about rompers? Wear one on your first date. Wear one on every date until you die. Build your wedding dress a romper. Get him to wear rompers! Who cares what boys think about clothes!

An article about how to let boys down. It seems like this doesnt come up in publications, as if no female would ever want to let go of a potential dating partner. But, um, we do sometimes.

Just some good, well-written tales about womanhood. Not an extract from romance novels, but the real stuff the hard, real life, miscarriage while my best friend is having twins kind of stuff. The I was a cleaning lady for 12 years stories.

For that matter, book suggestions that arent beach reads. Also, stop calling everything that has to do with women a beach read.

A recipe where I have actually heard of every ingredient.

A whole article tells us what girls find sexy. Not how to attract anyone, just how to divine pleasure from sex that isnt just set a pillow under your butt while “hes having” sex with you in missionary for the fourth period this week.

By the route no more sex moves articles. Seriously, theres just four of them anyway. Theres missionary when youre boring. Girl on top when youre trying to enjoy sex. Doggy-style when you dont want to face your mistakes. And differences of the above for when youre trying to be A Fun Person.

A day of meal schemes, but its just popcorn the whole day. With different flavors.

A letter from the editor that includes nothing about satisfying a celebrity and a busy schedule thats largely just going to functions and get hair and makeup done while emailing.

A letter from the editor that seems heartfelt or necessary.

Even a funny letter from the editor are now working.

Also, we dont care about your signature. We know you didnt sign every single magazine.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

Leave a Reply