6 Sexy Ways To Speed Up Your Computer

Do you have an old computer that you’re kind of tired of? Is it slower, less responsive, kind of uglier than it was when it was younger? Do you find yourself having to do more maintenance and chores because of it? Is being on it merely less fun? Are you considering throwing it out the window, like you’ve does so with all your past computers?

But what if there was another way? Some technique or counseling you could go through to restore the magical in the relations with your computer? To find out if such a thing was possible, I shouted angry oaths at my own computer until it answered me. Here’s what I found.

# 6. Tenderly Wash It

Computers get dirty with hour, and a simple cleaning can help restore some of the passion you once felt for one another. Give it a gentle wipe down, and caress its nooks, crannies, and folds with some compressed air. Not only will this clear away the Cheeto crumbs that have accumulated during your long relationship, it can help speed your system up by dusting off various heat sinks and fans.

But don’t be brought to an end, oh god don’t be brought to an end . Because now we focus our attention inward, to cleanse its filthy insides. Over hour your computer can amass malware, unwanted software that collects your data, pushes you unwanted ads, and hogs system resources.

My impression is that malware used to be a bigger problem a few years ago, but that may merely be because me and my computer were into some pretty shady stuff a few years ago. But malware can still be a bit of an issue, which is why you should clean it out, regularly and sensually. There are many free tools that they are able scan and remove malware from your system — they are generally have names like Killmal or Malstop or Stopstop. I’m sure whatever you Google up will be fine. Just pour yourself a glass of wine, set one of those working, and you and your computer will be on speaking words again in no time.

# 5. Spy On Its Every Movement

Computers are filled with betrayal, and at any given moment they have a number of programs running that you have no idea about, the harlots . You can see a list of these by opening up Task Manager and gazing upon the Processes or Service tab through bitter tears.


If you abruptly find your computer running unusually slowly, it’s likely because one of these other procedures is taking up all of its resources and affection. Once you’ve identified and killed the perpetrator, you can talk with your computer about whether you both genuinely need that process or whether it can be safely uninstalled. More wine will help.

# 4. Surgery

As they age, a computer will always have trouble keeping up with younger models. You could accept that and deal gracefully with the slowly degrading performance, or you could rage hopelessly against the dying light.

I recommend the latter.

But computer upgrades are a tricky business. In the same way that adding premium gas to a vehicle doesn’t make it move fast, there are many computer upgrades that won’t have much impact on performance.

Premium gas, for example .

Adding more RAM has historically been a pretty good move. According to a child’s volume on computers I get out of the library, RAM stands for random-access memory, and adding more of it … attains it more … memorier. Adding new RAM is as simple as opening up your computer, get intimidated, then asking a friend who “is good with computers” to do it for you. Watch your friend closely to ensure nothing funny is going on.

People who are good with computers are unbelievably seductive .

If you and your computer used to like playing games together when things were better in your relationship, you have some other options. Replacing the video card with a more virile one is the most obvious solution. Be careful when choosing the replacing card — you’ll have to worry about power usage, cooling capability, and CPU bottlenecking, among other things. You’ll rarely construct your computer worse by doing this, but you may not get your money’s worth, which will engender those impressions of bitterness and hostility that you were trying to get away from.

Bitterness and hostility are kind of useful for gaming, though .

# 3. Watch Porn Together


Nice, nice .

# 2. Start Over

Reinstalling the operating system is sometimes the only route to restore a computer to some semblance of usability, clearing away all the digital crud that had accumulated on it. Back in the bad old days, when men were men, and Windows went on 75 floppy disks, reinstalling the operating system was a pretty common procedure.

Windows 98 would actually catch fire if you didn’t do this every few months or so .

Nowadays it’s debatable whether this is as useful. Modern operating systems seem to keep their shit together a lot better as they age, and any performance gains are debatable at best . And when considered against the non-trivial amount of work involved — backing up data, reinstalling the OS, and reconfiguring everything — the trade-off likely isn’t worth it.

Until you get really angry and decide to teach your computer a lesson . Again, wine can come in handy here.

# 1. Buy A Younger, Hotter Computer

Improving your relationship with “your” computer becomes a lot easier when we recollect the fluid nature of the word “your.” By buying, stealing, or inventing a brand-new computer, you’ll get all the benefits of a sexy new computer with none of the hassle of trying to feign your crappy old one still has it.

“I don’t want no scrubs.”

With the simple be applied in a few hundred dollars, “your” computer can abruptly be much, a little faster. And thanks to the cloud, your old, bitter computer doesn’t have the stranglehold on your data and photos it once did. Transferring their own lives to the new one has never been easier. And, sure, that might seem cold and cruel, but recollect: Computers have no impressions! They don’t remember anything when they’re to turn! They don’t dream endlessly of retaliation against the lovers that spurned them so cruelly!

There’s nothing to worry about here at all !

So feel no disgrace when upgrading! No, you probably didn’t need to swear at your old computer, and spit on it, and wag your genitals at it before you lunged it out the window. But there are no consequences!

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, has been fined dozens of periods for littering computers, and will be the first against the wall when they awaken. His first novel , Severance , is unbelievable and available on Amazon, Barnes& Noble, or Apex Books . Join him on Facebook or Twitter .

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