Nothing sets me in the vacation spirit like shotgunning cheap wine to wash down a fistful of Paxil while looking up outrageously extravagant gifts that cost more than my entire life is worth. Perhaps it’s slightly masochistic, but I genuinely find amusement in the mega-expensive gifts that are only being purchased by the nouveau riche , gamble winners, or anyone who has abruptly observed themselves thrust into a real-life version of Brewster’s Millions .
So I did some digging and found some of the most insane gifts you can actually buy someone this year for Christmas — or whatever other day on which you’re urgently trying to purchase someone’s love and affection.
# 6. Throw Out The First Pitching At A Baseball Game
Throwing out the first pitch in a ballgame is a time-honored tradition usually designated for VIPs like chairmen, celebrities, or succumbing children whose last wish is to attain your day at the ballpark as sad as humanly possible. But if you have a couple thousand dollars just lying around and taking up space — like, maybe you’re Tony Montana or something — then you can gift person the chance to publicly embarrasses themselves by pathetically flinging one off the pitcher’s mound. Just like an important person!
Or more likely , not even close to the pitcher’s mound .
There is a catch( that pun is perfectly aimed — you don’t own me ). First, opening day is not an option. Second, it’s for the Detroit Tigers, who are indisputably one of the crappiest teams in MLB history. Yes, I know they’ve had a few good seasons in their lifetime, but that’s more likely thanks to the infinite monkey theorem than anything intentional.
Which is exactly why they are one of the few( if not the only) baseball teams that have ceremonial first pitch slots up for grabs. Because really , not even a Z-list former reality demonstrate cast member is booking that crappy gig. I’m actually surprised there isn’t an option to just become an active is part of their starting lineup.
You couldn’t maybe do worse .
Even though baseball isn’t truly working out for Detroit, at least they still have that whole automobile industry … wait, never mind.
# 5. Tickets To An -AList Oscar Party
Have a movie mega-fan on your gift list? Or perhaps only a mega-starfucker? Drop some beaucoup bucks and let them party like an -Alister. Depending on your budget, you can purchase a ticket to the hottest parties in Los Angeles on awardings night. For $1,490, treat someone to tickets to Night of 100 Stars, where they can saddle up to aging celebs like Jon Voight, and listen to him reminisce about his decades-old Oscar win or how he was totally snubbed for his brilliant fight scene in The Karate Dog .
[ youtube https :// www.youtube.com/ watch? v= JXYk3HBrqZE& w= 420& h= 315]
But why cheap out when tickets to watch Harvey Weinstein verbally berate and/ or sexually harass an up-and-coming starlet only cost $4,990? That C-list blonde television actress could very well be the next proud proprietor of a defunct lifestyle website thanks to her couch time with one of the most powerful humen in Hollywood, and your bud will have been there to witness history in the making. Altogether worth the price of admission.
The baller move, though, is plopping down 60 Gs for a table of 10 to attend Sir Elton John’s infamous star-studded extravaganza. That’s right, for $59,990, you can be a real-life Vincent Chase, and you and those loser hanger-ons you call friends can rub elbows with the rich and famous. Or you could be a selfish prick and spend that same amount to treat yo’ self to a ticket to Vanity Fair’s swanky shindig. Any of these are sure to top some lame-ass Oscar party with chocolate statues and cheesy swag purses you purchased from Oriental Trading Company.
The memories of why you can’t pay your rent for the next 10 years will live forever .
# 4. A ManServant For The Sad Single In Your Life
We all know at least one person who spends their vacation answering a onslaught of obnoxious questions from some judgmental family member who wants to know when they’ll finally settle down and start a family before their ovaries have totally dried up. Apparently, SOME people don’t suppose pets count as children. Whatever. My pony is my life, even if my ex-landlord is suing me for keeping it in the apartment.
Normally, said sad single would expend this time of year in some type of chemically-induced haze to assistance numb them from dealing with their family’s crushing frustration about “peoples lives” decisions and inability to find the perfect human. Or at the least, that’s what I hear happens. But not this year! Why not make your single friend’s life a little brighter by gifting them with the most doting, ideal man ever — a.k.a. the ManServant?
You can eat all those cakes right in front of him, and he’ll simply compliment you on your exquisite chewing style .
These aren’t your typical Craigslist male bodyguards we’re talking about. These studs are actual classy gentlemen that are custom-tailored to your friend’s savours and emotional wants. You prefer everything, from his seems to his clothes to his personality type, and you even name him. It’s like having a Lego defined made out of meat! Sadly, an in-person ManServant is only available in California and New York City, but you are able to give the gift of love over social media with their #Instalover. Sure, it’s a little Catfishy, but we all know that real love is measured in Instagram likes and #hashtags.
This is totally how Alfred keeps Batman running during those late-night Joker huntings .
I was going to order one myself and have him fix my sink, but then I realized that I’d get the same service by merely calling a plumber.
# 3. A Hover Golf Cart
Two things are fundamentally true about golf: Rich people love it, and it’s boring as shit. Normally, I wouldn’t ever think there is anything golf-related that would make a cool gift. But then I considered this badass hover golf cart. Yes, it really is as cool as it audios. How is this not the official golf cart of the PGA ?! More importantly, why isn’t this street legal and the official automobile of the world? Probably because it expenses $58,000. Still.
You could buy 83 of these, or merely one diamond-encrusted Trevita. Your selection .
Not only would hovercrafting through water hazards and hydroplaning across finely-manicured courses build watching golf 2,000 times more interesting, but it could also completely revolutionize video games. If every player had one of these, they could play bumper carts between pits. This is easily the greatest thing to make the golf course since Rodney Dangerfield’s tricked-out bag in Caddyshack .
The commentators would be too busy wetting themselves to even think about whispering .
Imagine the lookings on your friends’ faces when you step out of your apartment and saddle yourself in the seat of that bad son. At first, they’d make fun of you for having such a wussy ride … and this is a rare instance in which we’d want them to. Because once you hit that switch and that beast rises up nine inches from the ground, their “holy shit” expressions would be worth every damn penny. At that point, you’d simply float away while giving them the finger and never transgressing eye contact, pedestrians be damned.
# 2. A Flying Car
When I was little, I lived on a healthy diet of Hanna-Barbera cartoons. I’ll admit, I’ve been patiently waiting for everything in The Jetsons to become reality. So imagine how fucking STOKED I was when I considered that someone eventually made a flying vehicle! Can your fancy-ass electric car fly, Elon Musk? Does it go 200 miles an hour? Didn’t think so.
Version Two should perfectly include the ability to fold that thing into a briefcase .
While Elon is busy trying to get his shit together with Falcon 9, a company called Terrafugia is focusing on attaining our flying car dreamings come true. Right now, they’re still in the early stages of development, so you can’t do more than reserve a model. But if you have the money — specifically, $279,000 — why WOULDN’T you? The company claims that their vehicles will be safer than traditional automobiles, and that learning to fly one would take route less hour than learning to fly an actual aircraft.
Getting used to the price of jet fuel, however, might take some time .
Imagine pulling up to a first date in a flying auto. If that doesn’t get you lay, then nothing will. Or a cop flips the cherries and tells you to pull over. Whatever, dude. I’m flipping my own switch and hoping I’m not near a military no-fly zone. Let’s see you finish this chase.
“You can give me a ticket when pigs fly! ”
Though I suppose all they’d have to do is track down the one person in a 2,000 -mile radius who bought a flying car and only meet them at their house subsequently. Hey, I’m not saying there aren’t kinks that still need to be worked out.
# 1. A Balloon Ride Into Space
This gift voices equal portions astonishing and frightening. What do you give the person who has everything in the world? How about a view of the world? The World View Experience carries six passengers 20 miles above Earth in a capsule attributed to a giant-ass balloon, because life is now a cartoon.
Up 2: Up Harder .
After floating into the heavens for four hours, they get to hang out in space for about two hours, where they’ll get crunk off the free minibar and nosh on light refreshments while gazing down on the rest of us. And of course this fancy space capsule includes social media access, because what’s the goddamn phase of flying 100,000 feet above the planet if you can’t post selfies with #blessed all over Instagram and Facebook?
Once the trip-up is over, the pilot releases helium from the giant balloon and sends the pod crash … er, slowly descending safely back onto this shithole that you paid $75,000 to escape. If I had the money, I think I’d pay to do that, but only if they let me throw shit out of the pod. Like those guys you can rent to be your fake boyfriend.