There is no season that reminds you of just how single you are more than winter does.
The cold attains us more vulnerable than ever before, and we can’t assist but gawk at couples who bask in their love for one another in front of the ornament-lined streets( I suppose I simply threw up in my mouth a little saying that ).
As November gusts down and December sneakily approaches, I have come to realize one thing: I have been single for style too long.
Its been so long that not only do I not remember how to be in a relationship, but I’ve pretty much given up on finding love. I don’t date( unless it’s for a story ), and I don’t fantasize about a white picket fence because that life seems style too sensational to ever be my future.
When youve given up on love the way I have, you begin to develop a routine thats worlds different from the coupled-up version of you, and even from the freshly single version of you. The been-single-for-too-long you is a frumpy, frazzled, but fabulous mess, and she owns the f* ck out of it.
Here are 25 signs you’ve been out of the game for style too f* cking long.
1. Youre pretty much asexual.
Do you even have a vagina? You do? Oh, well it must be broken. Or depressed( la Charlotte York ).
2. The last day you used a razor was 1995.
And you havent replaced it because shaving tools are useless( since you get laid maybe once every other month in a good year ), and you see nothing incorrect in living in all of your hairy glory.
3. If a guy checks you out, you automatically presume theres something on your face.
That boil on your face disappeared months ago, but your self-esteem is still shot.
4. The only sweatshirts you have are your dads.
Thanks for being the only reliable male figure in my life, dad.
5. Taking a nap> going on a date.
6. Every time you look down, you can only see your stomach.
Ben and Jerry are the core foods in your diet, and your feet are nowhere to be found( from an aerial perspective, anyway ).
7. While your friends are swiping through dating apps, you’re swiping through Seamless options.
And your delivery guy is actually starting to grow on you( romantically ).
8. Theres too much Netflix in your life , not sufficient chill.
( But theres no such thing as too much Netflix, so youre good ).
9. You use the same wine glass over and over.
Because “youve never” have to entertain any male guests unless theyre blood relative, so theres no need for more than one glass.
10. The only guys youre dating are the male protagonists in the shows you watch.
Did someone say Vincent Chase? Yeah, hes my one and only.
11. Youve actually looked into sperm banks, freezing your eggs and adopting a Zimbabwean child.
If Im missing any other options that involve you bearing infants, you have seriously considered those, as well.
12. Your family has stopped asking you if youre seeing someone because even theyve given up hope.
Sorry, Aunt Bertha, but the title of this love story is Me, Myself And I.
13. Youve started wearing your BFFs clothes instead of your exs.
You want to be hugged by someone the working day, and since theres no man in sight, youll simply have to settle for your bestie.
14. You buy yourself shirts from the three men clothing department.
Because thats the only style youll ever get to wear a men shirt.
15. Your most recent cuddle partner is the pillow you ordered off 1-800-Body-Buddy.
Hes comfy AF, so theres actually no reason to ever leave your bedroom.
16. You think youre pregnant every time you have random sex.
Your body really isnt presenting any signs you are; its simply that youd do anything for a newborn and a husband, and your fantasy is becoming your fake, long-desired reality.
17. Youve already bought a studio apartment because you know youll be living alone forever.
Couples rent. You buy.
18. You always sleep in the starfish position.
I mean, youve get that whole big bed to yourself
19. If your life was an application, you would be checking the N/ A box next to Sex Life.
What is sex? What is love?
20. Youre too lazy to go to your hook-up buddys apartment.
Because 11:30 is too late for that sh* t, and its cold outside.
21. Your most recent ex is engaged.
Even that pathetic excuse for a human being has detected love. GET YOUR SH* T TOGETHER.
22. Your Tinder profile reads something along the lines of, Im looking for the thick-dicked man of my dreams.
Because in your intellect, love doesnt exist. But a good bang? Now thats a different story.
23. You stop frequently responding to anyone who messages you over dating apps.
Apps are all a waste of time, and men arewelltheyre just about the same.
24. Sex has become more of a chore than a pleasurable experience.
Youre either teetering on the edge of wildly thirsty for some dick, or youve basically forgotten that sex is an actual thing. And if you are wildly thirsty, the hunt for a worthy dick is more tedious than anything else.
25. Youre no longer happy for your friends in relationships; youre just plain bitter.
Im sorry that youve reached this phase. But if it attains you feel any better, everyone goes through this phase in life. And just when you are least prepared for it, youll satisfy someone, and snap the f* ck out of Bitter Land and into Believe-Again Land.