I remember when I read Thirteen Reasons Why for the first time. I was a sophomore in high school and I had yet to experience what Hannah Baker, the main character, had faced. If merely I knew I would less than a year later.
Not everyone may understand, but just like her, it was the setbacks and letdowns of other people that drove me to believe I no longer wanted to live. I knew depression was a chemical imbalance in your brain, but I also knew that the constant bullying and horrible things that were happening to me attained it worse.
As I sit here writing this with my green painted fingernails, alive and well, I cant help but cry for the moments when I believed I wouldnt make it. I know how “its like to” no longer want the desire to continue on. But when I think back on it, Im so relieved that I didnt go through with it.
Here are the 13 reasons why I chose to live, and so should you.
1. I couldnt let them win.
Not the sons who pushed me in the halls while calling me fat , not the people who told me I wasnt good enough , not the grown-up adults who did not have the gallantry to help a lost teenage girl, and not the friends who told me none of it was a big deal. If I had left, they wouldve all won and I merely couldnt bringing myself to let that happen.
2. I needed to know what my future held.
I know that may seem slim when I could hardly even think of tomorrow when I was so depressed. The things is, deep down I was dying to know whether Id get married one day, whether Id go to college in New York or Nashville, whether Id fall in love for the first time, if Id have children some day.
3. I havent traveled the world.
Dont you want to see the stars in Colorado? Eat gelato in Italy? Jump into the Atlantic Ocean? Ride splash mountain? We cant do any of those things if we leave.
4. My mother.
Id never laugh until I peed my gasps at a gag with her again. Id never dance with her in the kitchen after a couple glasses of wine. Id never watch Frozen with her again. Id never get to see her face at my wedding day as I walk down the aisle.
I is well aware something so simple, right? What about that album thats not coming out until August? Youll never get to hear it if you decide to leave this earth.
6. Babies smiles.
There was something about find a newborn smile when I was so down that built me happy. It merely proved that there has gotta be more, right? More to life than high school and the people who treat me like Im some sort of game. There merely had to beand I was right.
7. I needed to tell others they arent alone.
That it does get better and that you can survive this. I knew there was more I could do after I realise I wanted to live. I knew I could make a difference, and so can you.
8. Theres a purpose for me.
I know this can be a difficult one to believe when you truly was of the view that that there isnt one. But once I grabbed that tiny bit of lighting and slowly came out of the passageway, I realized that its true. I have a purpose on this globe and a reason to be here. We all do.
9. Because Im meant to stay.
I was born to feel the warm summer air through my hair with the windows down in the car. I was born to hear Ed Sheerans album over and over again. I was born to savour all the flavors of Halo Top ice cream. I was born to reek merely rained wet grass. Im meant to live, and so are you.
What will happen in the end of that series Ill never get to read if Im gone? I know this may sound stupid but its the honest truth. We are all so curious, and having tiny curiosities can keep you going longer than you think.
11. Because I am strong.
Plain and simple. I have gotten this far and Im still here. So have you. We can keep going, I promise.
12. For the chances.
The chance to see the snowfall again. The chance to watch the moon rise as it casts its white-blue lighting against the pavement. The chance to eat that pizza again. The chance to live for you .
13. Because I am loved.
I am loved by my three dogs that jump with exhilaration whenever I enter the room. I am loved by the Starbucks lady on campus who has known me since freshman year and never get my order wrong. I am loved by an old french prof from freshman year who asks me every day how I am doing. I am loved by their own families; unconditionally.
And you, you are so loved too.