Im flying solo this vacation season. No point in being sad about it.
At least I dont “re going to have to” share all the Christmas cookies Im stuffing in my face.
Everyone always tells me the holidays are the epitome of cuffing season. To that, I tell bullsh* t.
I dont need a man to channel the vacation spirit.
In fact, there are plenty of other things Id rather have cuffs me up during the holidays.
1. My vibrator.
My vibe and I have gone through plenty of ups and downs. There was the one time it ran out of batteries mid-session. Another occasion, my dog decided to chew it. Guess I shouldnt have left it lying around.
Sorry gents, but good luck arriving between me and my toy this season.
2. My pets.
My dog has been around for route longer than you, sir. She was with me when I wept about a certain guy not texting me back, nuzzled with me on nights when the hot wasnt working and woke me up every morning with slobbery kisses.
Find me a human who can do all that without getting a fury boner and well talk.
3. My work wife.
Shes the first person I talk to about my office crush or how sh* tty the bathroom is. She also knows when I’mso over my boss or merely cant handle my life.
She’d never tell HR.
4. Hugh Grant.
I’ve watched “Love Actually so many times, I might as well be married to the man.
Come on hes British, hes sexy and he only slept with a sex employee once! Thats a good enough track record for me.
5. My coffee.
Its the most consistent presence in my life. Its here for me every morning and doesnt intellect being an accessory. It cools me down in the summer and warms up my spirit in the winter.
Basically, coffee is always the right answer.
6. Michael Buble Christmas albums.
It might not be the most consistent relationship. But, go the holidays, Buble’s tunes will be all I hear.
He’ll make me feel good and get me into the holiday spirit.
7. Mypuffy coat.
My giant puffer doesnt care what I’m wearing underneath it.
Its also the perfect excuse to avoid spending half an hour shivering my ass off, waiting for some dude to loan me his sweater.
8. My wine opener.
When coffee doesnt do it, I need to go for stronger sh* t.
Namely, a bottle opener for all the wine I’ve stashed away for rainy days.
It might leave my tongue seeming a little purple, but at the least Ill have a fun night!
9. My job.
Itll provide for me no matter what, right?
Hey, it keeps me fed, warm and happy, so its the best date I can possibly have.
10. My own damn self.
I wont argue with myself about which Christmas movie to watch or complain about listening to All I Want For Christmas is You on recur for the past hour.